Thoughts have been welling around in my head for the last two weeks. Thoughts that can take any moment in the day down a windy slippery hill. Thoughts that I’m not sure what to do with. I am quite human you will soon discover.
What is this fear lodged deep-down in my chest
R&R was a couple months ago and it was better then our honeymoon. We were inseparable. We didn’t even have to be in the same room but I would just smile knowing we were in the same country, same state, same city, same house. I could nuzzle up to him at any point and just soak in his smells, his touch, hear the sweet words coming from his lips. Time would stop.
So when he comes home to stay (oh such sweet words!) will it be more like reality? Will it be more like pre-deployment? Our love has always been unconditional; but R&R, my fantastical-reality, was some sort of dream. I would often pinch myself. Is this really happening? Can I really love someone this much?!
When he returns will the stress over paying bills, raising the children, who has to cook dinner tonight, be overwhelming? Will the fact that the basement appears to have had a hurricane blow through it send him over the edge? Is he going to be sullen over the shelf in the closet he lost to my bags? Little variations … Big changes … everything in between.
It’s been a year. I’ve loved him, seen his face on the web-cam, chatted with him on instant message, treasured his letters sent through the mail, held his love close to my heart when I missed him most, thought of him as I turned off the light at night and as the sun shone through the curtains in the morning and every single moment in between. So what will change?
One week. In one week he returns. In one week I will be complete again.
… Until then I need a little reassurance from these voices in my head.