The Fears of Reintegration

Thoughts have been welling around in my head for the last two weeks. Thoughts that can take any moment in the day down a windy slippery hill. Thoughts that I'm not sure what to do with. I am quite human you will soon discover.

What is this fear lodged deep-down in my chest

R&R was a couple months ago and it was better then our honeymoon. We were inseparable. We didn't even have to be in the same room but I would just smile knowing we were in the same country, same state, same city, same house. I could nuzzle up to him at any point and just soak in his smells, his touch, hear the sweet words coming from his lips. Time would stop.

So when he comes home to stay (oh such sweet words!) will it be more like reality? Will it be more like pre-deployment? Our love has always been unconditional; but R&R, my fantastical-reality, was some sort of dream. I would often pinch myself. Is this really happening? Can I really love someone this much?!

When he returns will the stress over paying bills, raising the children, who has to cook dinner tonight, be overwhelming? Will the fact that the basement appears to have had a hurricane blow through it send him over the edge? Is he going to be sullen over the shelf in the closet he lost to my bags? Little variations ... Big changes ... everything in between.

It's been a year. I've loved him, seen his face on the web-cam, chatted with him on instant message, treasured his letters sent through the mail, held his love close to my heart when I missed him most, thought of him as I turned off the light at night and as the sun shone through the curtains in the morning and every single moment in between. So what will change?

One week. In one week he returns. In one week I will be complete again.

... Until then I need a little reassurance from these voices in my head.

- Leanne from MilitaryAvenue.com


  1. Well I was one of those who laughed off the "it will be strange", "it will take some adjustment when he returns" at the post deployment briefs. How will it be odd when the man I have been married to over a decade come home, we know one another so well? So here I sit facing deployment #3 knowing that it will infact be different. Not bad different, just well different. It only took a week or two to get back to not so different, but I learned my lessons after the first homecoming. One thing that was helpful, and you may not like this idea, was to plan a BBQ with Marines (insert service branch here) that your hubby was deployed with if you can. You will hear more about the deployment than you wanted too, but they need to talk about them with one another and you need to try not to react with fear when you hear them, they are home safe, be happy. Try not to rush familiar things like ummmm...sex, it was awkward, my husband had R and R in Qatar, and I couldn't get to the Horn of Africa obviously so it had been awhile, but that passed after the first time, do not rush it. I have always took care of the bills, since he is gone a lot even at peace time it just made more sense for me to do it. Our son had more of an adjustment since he was the defacto "man of the house" he had to give up the reins for his "pops"....Like I said I learned my lessons after the first time, second, third, much much easier....just take it slow...
    USMCWIFE 8999

  2. I remember being a huge bundle of nerves before Sweetie finally came home to stay. Like you, he'd been home for R&R just a few months before, though it hadn't been perfect – just too short. :)

    We've known each other since second grade, been friends since third or fourth, and endured a long-distance relationship just before we were married when he graduated from college.

    But here he was, coming back from a long, trying deployment where he saw combat, slept in the dirt for months, and I'd truly lived on my own for over a year.

    Embrace the "weird". Let yourself be nervous. Be patient, allow him to talk, and watch for his cues. My husband couldn't even endure the crowd at church at first, but didn't tell me so until he nearly melted down. I think, most of all, let him feel needed. Many guys come back wondering if their now-independent wives even need them anymore.

    Congrats on your homecoming. :) It's such a wonderful time! Weird, but wonderful. You'll get through it just fine. :)

    Hope you don't mind the unsolicited advice – I get carried away being "helpful".

  3. Entering third deployment now, and ALREADY terrified of re-integration.....
    Re-integration is the worst part of deploymen! The first one nearly ruined our marriage, and I thought the second one would KILL one or both of us.
    But we survived, and somehow we will survive this one, too. :)
    GOOD LUCK, and happy homecoming!

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